These stories are really heartbreaking. It really is like a cult snuck into the house and brainwashed them. It happened to a group of my friends in college. Incessant internet use (in their case, Tumblr) was the common factor for all of them.
I created a Substack that breaks down how the culture of these online spaces work in a way that parents and grandparents can understand. Hopefully I can help make some sense of it all, having been pretty much raised in internet culture.
Thank you for writing this. It has made me realise that our own lives have led us all to wisdom, and we have a lot of collective wisdom amongst us.
This will help us in the years us parents will still be supporting each other, plus any of our kids who might let us help them get back on track in the future.
I brought this issue up while having a drink with a friend who was introducing me to a friend. Said friend had just said that politically, things are running off the rails. I responded that what drove me out of the Democratic Party was the trans thing. She then smugly told me that she has a niece who became a man and is now "fully happy." I said well, OK, I don't know your relative, but chances are high that she's a lesbian, not trans. And then tried to present the data on the complications of surgery, the lack of sexual feeling, the rotting penises, the atrophied vaginas, etc...all of which, one might rationally think -- would need to be weighed before making such a life altering "choice." ("This is all by choice," this woman said.) Meanwhile, we're not given a "choice" to disagree with this cult...and how can anyone be "fully happy" if unable to orgasm? It's going to come out in the wash, but meanwhile I had to endure chastising for even BRINGING IT UP....don't I know it's not OK to talk about the serious ramifications of shoving this ideology down everyone's throats? Don't I know we're supposed to unquestioningly agree with it and support it? How dumb could I be? And why am I so interested in it? It's not MY problem. Yes, this was said to me.
"I find myself longing for those memories that I no longer think you and I will get to make." That hit me in the heart. I hadn't been able to name that feeling of loss before. My son is older than yours but it's exactly the same. So many losses.
Thank you for writing this. Reading your story, I feel less alone with the sadness that grips my life after my son has also been ensnared by this cult. I hope your son is able to find his way back to reality and sidestep the path of this evil mind virus infecting our children.
Further down the page she publishes (in full) the letter that gender-critical MtoF transwoman, Corinna Cohn, published in the Washington Post (Corinna makes the point that the WaPo version was edited down and is missing some vital contextual points). The particular part that you might show to your son (if you feel it appropriate) is this: " Letter to My Teenage Self
By Corinna Cohn".
It is a description of the actual lived reality of being a lifelong medical patient and reading it would (hopefully) give pause to any young person who was gender confused and wanting to rush into medical transition.
I wish for a swift and positive resolution to this situation for you and your family.
Loving you and sharing your pain. Truth will out, I pray. Surely, this cult's power will become more apparent as more of us speak up. Thank you for your courage, you express the love, the fear, the pain so well. I have daydreams of blanketing the world with our stories, if only people will listen.
Oh how this hit me right in the heart. They really don't know that all of these feelings ARE a part of normal adolescence. Somehow people have convinced them it is so much more. I want them to see that they aren't going to magically be happy if they try to be someone else. That thing that makes them unhappy will still be there no matter what their outer appearance is. Praying is all I can do as well as just trying to stay in a positive place with my son so he won't shut me completely out.
Thank you for this moving testimony. Please know there are so many of us out here who are with you in this, grieving and praying, loving our children, terrified about schools and doctors and therapists and unsure how to dissent safely, just trying to make it through each day in one piece. Your words help--and I hope it helped you to write this. Please know you are not alone.
Can you find faith that your kid will come out of this? I don't know about "unharmed"--who gets through adolescence unharmed? (If they do, they're not likely ready for an adulthood full of dangers.) Many let this identity go when it stops working to do whatever it's doing for them: for some it's just a way to individuate from mom and dad and their need for it fades as they mature, for others it's actually keeping them safe from riskier adolescent behaviors. There was an excellent comment on another PITT article about it often being about boundaries. Sounds like your kid likely has a solid foundation and strong attachment bonds. 90% of people who join cults leave them. What would it take for you to believe your kid will be one of those 90%? Grieving those expectations of what you thought parenting a teen would be like and letting them go (maybe those experiences aren't all they're cracked up to be); knowing your friends' social media accounts don't show the whole picture of what's going on in other homes with teens; paying attention to those qualities that will get your kid through a precarious adolescence (like choosing to do something different than what everyone else is doing)--just some ideas for places to start.
Fantastic job articulating the loss of a "normal adolescent experience" that so many of us are going through. Literally keeping the kid alive and safe becomes the goal. Your son is so fortunate to have you.
The whole thing is like a slow death from a thousand shallow wounds for parents, although some are much deeper. Every point you make speaks to me 💔 ... our children don't understand that if this was truly a path to healthy self acceptance and individuation we would be encouraging and helping them achieve their "special gender dreams". But it's not. It's not a magic pill for happiness and solving their pain, we know this. The only thing I can do for my daughter is to try to mitigate the influence of the insanity as much as possible as long as possible (staying connected in the real world, not making gender the be-all of every interaction, limiting the opportunities for excessive on-line time & rumination, building our relationship in other areas, etc). I still have her at home for a couple more years before she finishes school and becomes an "adult". The detransitioners have helped me understand that the wrongness of this is something she has to come to understand herself, and that it won't happen quickly. I want to go back in time and give myself more knowledge to stop this from beginning or to at least be aware that it even existed!!! ... but I can't. Something else the detrans ppl have helped me to see... if nothing I do can prevent her from going on to harm herself, there is still alot of potential for her to recover her sense of self, her real self.
I could have written this for my daughter. And I see from all the comments that there are so many of us like this. Thank you for putting our emotions into words.
These stories are really heartbreaking. It really is like a cult snuck into the house and brainwashed them. It happened to a group of my friends in college. Incessant internet use (in their case, Tumblr) was the common factor for all of them.
I created a Substack that breaks down how the culture of these online spaces work in a way that parents and grandparents can understand. Hopefully I can help make some sense of it all, having been pretty much raised in internet culture.
Thank you for writing this. It has made me realise that our own lives have led us all to wisdom, and we have a lot of collective wisdom amongst us.
This will help us in the years us parents will still be supporting each other, plus any of our kids who might let us help them get back on track in the future.
I brought this issue up while having a drink with a friend who was introducing me to a friend. Said friend had just said that politically, things are running off the rails. I responded that what drove me out of the Democratic Party was the trans thing. She then smugly told me that she has a niece who became a man and is now "fully happy." I said well, OK, I don't know your relative, but chances are high that she's a lesbian, not trans. And then tried to present the data on the complications of surgery, the lack of sexual feeling, the rotting penises, the atrophied vaginas, etc...all of which, one might rationally think -- would need to be weighed before making such a life altering "choice." ("This is all by choice," this woman said.) Meanwhile, we're not given a "choice" to disagree with this cult...and how can anyone be "fully happy" if unable to orgasm? It's going to come out in the wash, but meanwhile I had to endure chastising for even BRINGING IT UP....don't I know it's not OK to talk about the serious ramifications of shoving this ideology down everyone's throats? Don't I know we're supposed to unquestioningly agree with it and support it? How dumb could I be? And why am I so interested in it? It's not MY problem. Yes, this was said to me.
Here is another source I found this morning.
https://genderexploratory.com/browse/
"I find myself longing for those memories that I no longer think you and I will get to make." That hit me in the heart. I hadn't been able to name that feeling of loss before. My son is older than yours but it's exactly the same. So many losses.
Thank you for writing this. Reading your story, I feel less alone with the sadness that grips my life after my son has also been ensnared by this cult. I hope your son is able to find his way back to reality and sidestep the path of this evil mind virus infecting our children.
I read the following yesterday. It is an article on Pamela Peresky's substack where she writes about her concerns about the trans explosion:
https://paresky.substack.com/p/the-op-ed-that-went-viral-and-the?s=r
Further down the page she publishes (in full) the letter that gender-critical MtoF transwoman, Corinna Cohn, published in the Washington Post (Corinna makes the point that the WaPo version was edited down and is missing some vital contextual points). The particular part that you might show to your son (if you feel it appropriate) is this: " Letter to My Teenage Self
By Corinna Cohn".
It is a description of the actual lived reality of being a lifelong medical patient and reading it would (hopefully) give pause to any young person who was gender confused and wanting to rush into medical transition.
I wish for a swift and positive resolution to this situation for you and your family.
Loving you and sharing your pain. Truth will out, I pray. Surely, this cult's power will become more apparent as more of us speak up. Thank you for your courage, you express the love, the fear, the pain so well. I have daydreams of blanketing the world with our stories, if only people will listen.
My heart goes out to you. I feel your anguish. You are not alone 💕
Oh how this hit me right in the heart. They really don't know that all of these feelings ARE a part of normal adolescence. Somehow people have convinced them it is so much more. I want them to see that they aren't going to magically be happy if they try to be someone else. That thing that makes them unhappy will still be there no matter what their outer appearance is. Praying is all I can do as well as just trying to stay in a positive place with my son so he won't shut me completely out.
"I wish you would confide in me as you do with those kids who you call friends."
Follow that thread. Phones are the enabler...and "social" media.
Thank you for this moving testimony. Please know there are so many of us out here who are with you in this, grieving and praying, loving our children, terrified about schools and doctors and therapists and unsure how to dissent safely, just trying to make it through each day in one piece. Your words help--and I hope it helped you to write this. Please know you are not alone.
Can you find faith that your kid will come out of this? I don't know about "unharmed"--who gets through adolescence unharmed? (If they do, they're not likely ready for an adulthood full of dangers.) Many let this identity go when it stops working to do whatever it's doing for them: for some it's just a way to individuate from mom and dad and their need for it fades as they mature, for others it's actually keeping them safe from riskier adolescent behaviors. There was an excellent comment on another PITT article about it often being about boundaries. Sounds like your kid likely has a solid foundation and strong attachment bonds. 90% of people who join cults leave them. What would it take for you to believe your kid will be one of those 90%? Grieving those expectations of what you thought parenting a teen would be like and letting them go (maybe those experiences aren't all they're cracked up to be); knowing your friends' social media accounts don't show the whole picture of what's going on in other homes with teens; paying attention to those qualities that will get your kid through a precarious adolescence (like choosing to do something different than what everyone else is doing)--just some ideas for places to start.
Fantastic job articulating the loss of a "normal adolescent experience" that so many of us are going through. Literally keeping the kid alive and safe becomes the goal. Your son is so fortunate to have you.
The whole thing is like a slow death from a thousand shallow wounds for parents, although some are much deeper. Every point you make speaks to me 💔 ... our children don't understand that if this was truly a path to healthy self acceptance and individuation we would be encouraging and helping them achieve their "special gender dreams". But it's not. It's not a magic pill for happiness and solving their pain, we know this. The only thing I can do for my daughter is to try to mitigate the influence of the insanity as much as possible as long as possible (staying connected in the real world, not making gender the be-all of every interaction, limiting the opportunities for excessive on-line time & rumination, building our relationship in other areas, etc). I still have her at home for a couple more years before she finishes school and becomes an "adult". The detransitioners have helped me understand that the wrongness of this is something she has to come to understand herself, and that it won't happen quickly. I want to go back in time and give myself more knowledge to stop this from beginning or to at least be aware that it even existed!!! ... but I can't. Something else the detrans ppl have helped me to see... if nothing I do can prevent her from going on to harm herself, there is still alot of potential for her to recover her sense of self, her real self.
I could have written this for my daughter. And I see from all the comments that there are so many of us like this. Thank you for putting our emotions into words.