Recently in online transgender activist realms, I have been encountering a kind of casual acknowledgement of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria (ROGD) by associating it with sloppy parenting. The message seems to be that if your adolescent child is asserting transgender identity and demanding new pronouns and cross-sex hormones it is the result of your own failure to impose adequate parental control.
If we are “sloppy” it is not our fault. Most of us with trans children are caring parents who have tried hard and been exhausted. Instead of being supported we have been attacked for trying to protect our children.
In the UK the state has taken over the the parenting role.
Like a strict nanny the State has made far too many laws. In the process parents have been disempowered.
We are not allowed to shout at our children even when they have headphones on. We are not allowed to use restraint even when our child pulls away to run into a car.
So when our autistic child tries to cut themselves, overdose, change gender or do whatever other form of self harm that appeals, we are supposed to stand by and do nothing. Social workers tell us we are being judgemental if we show disapproval.
A child who self harms needs help. Saying their action is a lifestyle choice is wrong.
Incredible, thoughtful piece! This could be my household down to the open floor plan, kitchen that is a mess, and the affirming sibling. My issue is that I have affirming teen sisters at home so I feel like I am the hostage in this ‘terrorist’ plot you describe so well. Would love to hear more how you navigated the evolution out of this nightmare. Thanks for sharing your very relatable personal story.
It is SO exhausting, this hyper-conscious parenting. Thank you for sharing this! I'll just speak for myself but can't help but compare my obsessive commitment to parenting to my child's obsessive commitment to her trans identity. Reading others similar accounts (my background is in education and I have done my own deep dives into attachment theory and child development) helps me be a bit easier on myself and recognize that it's just the time we're parenting in, that this generation is likely "fredsskadad", the Swedish term meaning "damaged by peace". I sometimes wonder if our children have had to create suffering to overcome since they had so little real suffering. I also believe the information age has really handicapped parents by devaluing "wisdom" and the dependence children used to naturally feel. It's amusing to deride and belittle our older generations, dismissing their experienced voices, dehumanizing them (us) with name-calling (Karens, TERFs, bigots...making us out to be downright dangerous.) Our current education system and the easy access to knowledge has contributed to fraying the necessary attachment of child to parent as the primary source of survival. Unfortunately, the parent is still the best bet the child has for developing into an adult capable of living a satisfying and meaningful life. We're beginning to see the fall-out with the families that have been ripped apart by this, by the false promises of the "glitter families" and greedy or misguided professionals. Knowledge without wisdom is dangerous. I fear it will get much uglier before the tide turns.
Oh my god.This. Last night I talked with my BPD child's therapist and this naive young thing spouts the "research" on connecting with my child and managing my triggers and using the correct pronouns. Dear god, I could have a PhD in attachment, self regulating as a parent, and connection (I actually train workshop facilitators professionally to do this) and yes, I will use the damn pronouns in order to stay connected. I am also an authorative parent (gratitude to being raised by compassionate immigrant parents and not American parents!). Can we just talk about why my chronically distressed child is trying on yet another identity since she was 3 except now she is declaring that she can't wait until she moves out at 18 to escape our transphobia because we don't want her to bind her breasts or are challenging her around her discussions of top surgery. Can we talk about how this child can harness claims of transphobia or trauma and abuse as a way to deflect from parental boundary setting. I am so angry at the professionals.
On the topic of the changed diagnostic label & criteria for GD: the checklist I have seen is ridiculously short-sighted for such a lifelong commitment to medication & surgery. ... Thus for example, my kid is able to claim GD & get recommended for hormones after a few months of questioning gender identity. ... Meanwhile the whole life from birth into mid-teens never had any GD at all. No behavior that was stereotypically feminine. No expressed desire to be a girl. But, whoops, COVID hits, social isolation, too much internet & all of sudden, my kid is on hormones & applauded & encouraged by authority figures ranging from teachers, other parents, therapists, physicians, and social workers. Our society is failing teens like my own. Completely failing them.
Could have written this, EXCEPT that our kid isn't out of the woods. You perfectly capture the frustrations and exhaustions of modern parenting. I do want to hear more about how you got from the buzz cut to two years later.
Fascinating. Can you connect with me? I too am a professional although more on the statistical and data analysis side. I am VERY interested in the point you made about your professional contact who was involved in the change in classification of GID to GD, and the accompanying de-pathologization of the gender-dysphoria delusion. This is a key and signal moment in this delusion which is destroying our children. By normalizing this disorder, it has made is both less difficult to "assume the glamour" and really sort of normal. It's not normal. It's a deeply pathological choice.
What type of control works... I could have written this it resonated so soundly. I've turned off socia mledia and no cell phones /internet after 10. I've also said no binding until we work through the mental health challenges that are driving this. Just so sad for her emotional pain that is now invading her once happy carefree childhood
Society is to blame, not us.
If we are “sloppy” it is not our fault. Most of us with trans children are caring parents who have tried hard and been exhausted. Instead of being supported we have been attacked for trying to protect our children.
In the UK the state has taken over the the parenting role.
Like a strict nanny the State has made far too many laws. In the process parents have been disempowered.
We are not allowed to shout at our children even when they have headphones on. We are not allowed to use restraint even when our child pulls away to run into a car.
So when our autistic child tries to cut themselves, overdose, change gender or do whatever other form of self harm that appeals, we are supposed to stand by and do nothing. Social workers tell us we are being judgemental if we show disapproval.
A child who self harms needs help. Saying their action is a lifestyle choice is wrong.
Parents have lost the right to interfere.
Incredible, thoughtful piece! This could be my household down to the open floor plan, kitchen that is a mess, and the affirming sibling. My issue is that I have affirming teen sisters at home so I feel like I am the hostage in this ‘terrorist’ plot you describe so well. Would love to hear more how you navigated the evolution out of this nightmare. Thanks for sharing your very relatable personal story.
It is SO exhausting, this hyper-conscious parenting. Thank you for sharing this! I'll just speak for myself but can't help but compare my obsessive commitment to parenting to my child's obsessive commitment to her trans identity. Reading others similar accounts (my background is in education and I have done my own deep dives into attachment theory and child development) helps me be a bit easier on myself and recognize that it's just the time we're parenting in, that this generation is likely "fredsskadad", the Swedish term meaning "damaged by peace". I sometimes wonder if our children have had to create suffering to overcome since they had so little real suffering. I also believe the information age has really handicapped parents by devaluing "wisdom" and the dependence children used to naturally feel. It's amusing to deride and belittle our older generations, dismissing their experienced voices, dehumanizing them (us) with name-calling (Karens, TERFs, bigots...making us out to be downright dangerous.) Our current education system and the easy access to knowledge has contributed to fraying the necessary attachment of child to parent as the primary source of survival. Unfortunately, the parent is still the best bet the child has for developing into an adult capable of living a satisfying and meaningful life. We're beginning to see the fall-out with the families that have been ripped apart by this, by the false promises of the "glitter families" and greedy or misguided professionals. Knowledge without wisdom is dangerous. I fear it will get much uglier before the tide turns.
Beautifully stated. There is much of my life and my family's that parallels what you share. <3
So good 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Oh my god.This. Last night I talked with my BPD child's therapist and this naive young thing spouts the "research" on connecting with my child and managing my triggers and using the correct pronouns. Dear god, I could have a PhD in attachment, self regulating as a parent, and connection (I actually train workshop facilitators professionally to do this) and yes, I will use the damn pronouns in order to stay connected. I am also an authorative parent (gratitude to being raised by compassionate immigrant parents and not American parents!). Can we just talk about why my chronically distressed child is trying on yet another identity since she was 3 except now she is declaring that she can't wait until she moves out at 18 to escape our transphobia because we don't want her to bind her breasts or are challenging her around her discussions of top surgery. Can we talk about how this child can harness claims of transphobia or trauma and abuse as a way to deflect from parental boundary setting. I am so angry at the professionals.
This is such a well written piece. I hope you'll contribute more.
On the topic of the changed diagnostic label & criteria for GD: the checklist I have seen is ridiculously short-sighted for such a lifelong commitment to medication & surgery. ... Thus for example, my kid is able to claim GD & get recommended for hormones after a few months of questioning gender identity. ... Meanwhile the whole life from birth into mid-teens never had any GD at all. No behavior that was stereotypically feminine. No expressed desire to be a girl. But, whoops, COVID hits, social isolation, too much internet & all of sudden, my kid is on hormones & applauded & encouraged by authority figures ranging from teachers, other parents, therapists, physicians, and social workers. Our society is failing teens like my own. Completely failing them.
Could have written this, EXCEPT that our kid isn't out of the woods. You perfectly capture the frustrations and exhaustions of modern parenting. I do want to hear more about how you got from the buzz cut to two years later.
Fascinating. Can you connect with me? I too am a professional although more on the statistical and data analysis side. I am VERY interested in the point you made about your professional contact who was involved in the change in classification of GID to GD, and the accompanying de-pathologization of the gender-dysphoria delusion. This is a key and signal moment in this delusion which is destroying our children. By normalizing this disorder, it has made is both less difficult to "assume the glamour" and really sort of normal. It's not normal. It's a deeply pathological choice.
My email is patjahsd@gmail.com
What type of control works... I could have written this it resonated so soundly. I've turned off socia mledia and no cell phones /internet after 10. I've also said no binding until we work through the mental health challenges that are driving this. Just so sad for her emotional pain that is now invading her once happy carefree childhood
Micro-terrorism. Yes. Thank you for articulating all this so clearly.
And I am so glad your daughter is ok!