6 Comments

I'd like to say to any person that reads this that by following these steps, not only will your child probably lose their trust in you, and probably cut contact, you are also subscribing to this false belief about trans identitites and gender exploration being harmful and shameful, which is absolutely deplorable. The only reason you can not do something as simple as give your child some basic respect is because of fearmongering, your own lack of information and sense of superiority.

I'd like to see your sources for the clam that transgender guides promote self harm, because that implies the reason for the high probability of a trans person self-harming is themselves and their own community, while in reality it is attitudes such as this, that deny trans people their own self, that contributes to the high rates of depression and suicide in the community.

Closeted trans people/people questioning their gender constantly have to worry about how their family will react (will they get disowned, thrown out in the streets, get assaulted, or denied their own identity?), and live with other peoples dismissive attitudes.

This is why it is so very important, that at least within the own home, that trans/questioning people can feel safe in exploring their gender. Giving your child a space where they don't feel that they aren't being listened to, and having a communication going about how they feel, and why, not surpressing them, and using the name and pronouns they feel most comfortable is the key to keeping the family balance and helping your child grow up safely.

If your child comes out to you, they probably are already scared, but still have hope that you will accept them. And they are not stupid. they already know the violences trans people have faced and still face, and the prejudice they will have to live through. You do not have to make them more "resilient" to the outer world yourself.

By coming out to you, they are placing trust in that you, as their parent, will accept them, and be a stable and supporting force in their life. Your job is not to alienate your child, and make their thoughts feel unwelcome. They will already feel that from the rest of the world.

And just know that if they decide to transition, it is not because of other trans people telling them to, it is because they feel that transition, both social and surgical, is the next step for them to be able to live a happier life.

Take joy in the fact that your children are finding themselves, and trust you enough to involve you in the process, and try to not be so stressed about what might happen in the future. Your child is worrying about that too, so focus on being someone that they can see and know that you have their back, no matter what comes.

Expand full comment

Spot on—nicely framed. We have a ROGD 14yo daughter identifying as non-binary/transmale for the last 2 months (she discovered this online and on screen with the help of other “community (LGBTQ+)” friends during Covid lockdown. No prior mental health history, a kid who is excelling and enjoying life and completely flipping her narrative on gender identity with no prior inklings.

Question about family cohesiveness—our daughter’s three girl siblings have totally affirmed her social transition as has her large public high school. How can we be a family team while our other children our correcting our pronouns and referring to their new brother by ‘his’ new name at school and with our friends?

My husband and I are also physicians—we are committed to loving support of our child but are extremely leery of any medicalization. We couldn’t stop the social transition without completely losing her.

Thank you for sharing your pearls and perspective—a little light to pull us out of the despair.

Expand full comment

You are right. Families are forever. When a daughter identifies as male, it is hard for some mothers to deny reality and refer to their child as someone of the opposite sex.

It hurts. Some things just seem wrong.

In some cases the change is just a symptom of an underlying condition such as narcissism, autism, and possible other psychiatric conditions that are not being acknowledged.

I know that my child had psychological difficulties and was vulnerable to what clearly is a cult.

Without the internet, she would be free.

Sadly many of our young people are being led into self sterilisation, deceived by the internet glamorising of medicalisation.

Expand full comment

Great article, thank you! Don't forget that the affirmative model assumes most comorbidities are due to transphobia, stigma, etc. Not following this (not evidence backed) model doesn't mean you don't affirm your kid as a person or anything. It just means you don't follow this model. Again, the word "affirm" has been redefined by some people to mean following this particular model. Look into the model, it's easily used to bypass differential diagnosis which medicalization should require, but doesn't.

Expand full comment