I struggle with advice for parents. I’m not a parent myself, I wasn’t a minor when I started transitioning and, in general, I have difficulty maintaining healthy, emotionally mature relationships. That last fact might be a little bit attributable to being autistic, a little bit attributable to having experienced childhood trauma, and a little bit attributable to family. My parents struggled with expressing emotions just as their parents did and their grandparents did. They weren’t bad people; they were just people with so much going on that they only knew what their own families taught them.
Thank you for writing this thoughtful piece. While it is directed to transition you've included a lot of good information for any relationship. I can tell that you've done a lot of work to understand yourself and others better. And it's work well worth doing. You have added to the discussion in a valuable way.
Thank you very much for your eloquent and informative article. You are helping many parents so please don't underestimate the value of your opinion because you don't have children of your own.
Thank you so much for this article. It is very helpful and no doubt helps us back to the reality of what we need to do when we are in those moments of fight, flight or freeze. Thanks again.
This was a very difficult read but I appreciate your honesty. Control is an every day issue for everyone. Perhaps control for the trans world is what keeps their fight alive - they need to fight harder to be accepted. They need to fight harder to be heard. Setting boundaries is necessary when there is a threat of any kind. Our family member acts out, yells, seems very confused and depressed. He wants to make decisions that I do bot believe he has all the facts. Accepting my family member wanting to trans and use the girl name and pronouns is not something I believe I can accept. I believe he is not in the wrong body but that he has been brainwashed. He has been manipulated. He never ever showed any sign of gender confusion until a trans advocate was allowed to speak at his school and he started doubting who he was. Thank you for your courage to tell us about your story. I feel like I need to fight this ideology brainwashing as long as I live, but perhaps I need to take a step back. I try to gather as much information as I can so I am prepared and knowledgable. Thank you again for sharing your story with all of us. I will also continue to pray for a miracle.
Thank you for articulating so many conflicts and questions I have regarding my transmasc daughter. I feel validated by your advice to compromise on names and pronouns. Sometimes I hear that giving in is 100% wrong but in my heart it doesn’t seem right for us. We have a name we use with her at home and at school she uses her other name. I can handle they/them but he/him, if that’s coming down the pipeline will be a much harder pill to swallow.
I also appreciated your dissection of an unhealthy community and do see my daughter not being able to handle contrary views and it just looks so debilitating from my perspective.
I find a lot of comfort in the Tao, but am also gonna look up some stoic quotes now. Thank you again!
Such a wonderful piece to read! You’ve managed to be brought in specific advice – and to offer advice two different styles parenting. I struggle because my kid and I have a very strong bond, and yet they are embroiled in this. Trauma outside of our family has had a great impact and we are getting help but it is a long road. Articles such as yours remind us that our kids need to do what they need to do - and the more we can trust them, the more freedom they have to really listen to their inner voices. It may be painful for us, but this is a period of individuation that both parties need to go through.
This is an outstanding piece of writing. Thanks so much for articulating some of the interior of what we are seeing on the exterior in this generation of young and vulnerable.
I think this is brilliant universal advice. Many parents themselves (like the author's) did not grow up in homes with healthy attachment styles, so it can be incredibly difficult to develop the behaviors that lead to healthy attachment. There are also many parents who created healthy attachments with their transIDed children only to be blindsided by this circumstance (I would argue that it has much to do with how we "school" our kiddos.) I'm going to make this recommended reading for all my clients.
And as most things, understanding this advice is easier than creating the practices. The self-awareness and perseverance required to show up differently takes courage and ongoing effort. Your attachment style is deeply embedded but can be consciously changed with the aforementioned self-awareness and perseverance. Grounded authenticity that is born out of tested values and a strong internal compass is very attractive and provides a firm foundation from which to set boundaries and offer unconditional love.
Michelle has clearly studied Attachment Theory and relationships. It's easy to get caught up in (justified) fear and anger but I would encourage parents to reflect on whether that is working to keep your child in secure relationship with you (if that's your goal.) I'm grateful for the opportunities for healing and growth that having a transIDed child offered me. This circumstance that I didn't ask for has demanded more than I even knew I had in me. Humans have amazing capacity for suffering--and healing. Strength is forged in fire, and powerful humans are emerging from this experience.
Thank you for writing this thoughtful piece. While it is directed to transition you've included a lot of good information for any relationship. I can tell that you've done a lot of work to understand yourself and others better. And it's work well worth doing. You have added to the discussion in a valuable way.
You sound as though you have come such a long way forward, your knowledge and experience are invaluable, thank you.
Thanks for getting your message out. It is a road map for people going through the same thing you did - if only they'll read it.
Thank you very much for your eloquent and informative article. You are helping many parents so please don't underestimate the value of your opinion because you don't have children of your own.
Thank you so much for this article. It is very helpful and no doubt helps us back to the reality of what we need to do when we are in those moments of fight, flight or freeze. Thanks again.
This was a very difficult read but I appreciate your honesty. Control is an every day issue for everyone. Perhaps control for the trans world is what keeps their fight alive - they need to fight harder to be accepted. They need to fight harder to be heard. Setting boundaries is necessary when there is a threat of any kind. Our family member acts out, yells, seems very confused and depressed. He wants to make decisions that I do bot believe he has all the facts. Accepting my family member wanting to trans and use the girl name and pronouns is not something I believe I can accept. I believe he is not in the wrong body but that he has been brainwashed. He has been manipulated. He never ever showed any sign of gender confusion until a trans advocate was allowed to speak at his school and he started doubting who he was. Thank you for your courage to tell us about your story. I feel like I need to fight this ideology brainwashing as long as I live, but perhaps I need to take a step back. I try to gather as much information as I can so I am prepared and knowledgable. Thank you again for sharing your story with all of us. I will also continue to pray for a miracle.
Much needed commentary, insights and advice from someone who's been there. Thank you.
Thank you for writing this - I can only hope my trans identified young adult daughter will be able to think and write something like this eventually.
Thank you so much for writing this. It is very helpful advice for a very difficult situation.
Thank you for articulating so many conflicts and questions I have regarding my transmasc daughter. I feel validated by your advice to compromise on names and pronouns. Sometimes I hear that giving in is 100% wrong but in my heart it doesn’t seem right for us. We have a name we use with her at home and at school she uses her other name. I can handle they/them but he/him, if that’s coming down the pipeline will be a much harder pill to swallow.
I also appreciated your dissection of an unhealthy community and do see my daughter not being able to handle contrary views and it just looks so debilitating from my perspective.
I find a lot of comfort in the Tao, but am also gonna look up some stoic quotes now. Thank you again!
Such a wonderful piece to read! You’ve managed to be brought in specific advice – and to offer advice two different styles parenting. I struggle because my kid and I have a very strong bond, and yet they are embroiled in this. Trauma outside of our family has had a great impact and we are getting help but it is a long road. Articles such as yours remind us that our kids need to do what they need to do - and the more we can trust them, the more freedom they have to really listen to their inner voices. It may be painful for us, but this is a period of individuation that both parties need to go through.
This is an outstanding piece of writing. Thanks so much for articulating some of the interior of what we are seeing on the exterior in this generation of young and vulnerable.
When in doubt read some Stoicism is always a good choice.
I think this is brilliant universal advice. Many parents themselves (like the author's) did not grow up in homes with healthy attachment styles, so it can be incredibly difficult to develop the behaviors that lead to healthy attachment. There are also many parents who created healthy attachments with their transIDed children only to be blindsided by this circumstance (I would argue that it has much to do with how we "school" our kiddos.) I'm going to make this recommended reading for all my clients.
And as most things, understanding this advice is easier than creating the practices. The self-awareness and perseverance required to show up differently takes courage and ongoing effort. Your attachment style is deeply embedded but can be consciously changed with the aforementioned self-awareness and perseverance. Grounded authenticity that is born out of tested values and a strong internal compass is very attractive and provides a firm foundation from which to set boundaries and offer unconditional love.
Michelle has clearly studied Attachment Theory and relationships. It's easy to get caught up in (justified) fear and anger but I would encourage parents to reflect on whether that is working to keep your child in secure relationship with you (if that's your goal.) I'm grateful for the opportunities for healing and growth that having a transIDed child offered me. This circumstance that I didn't ask for has demanded more than I even knew I had in me. Humans have amazing capacity for suffering--and healing. Strength is forged in fire, and powerful humans are emerging from this experience.
Thank you again, Michelle!
Excellent insights and advice! Thank you for sharing these thoughts.
You make many great and helpful points; thanks so much for writing this.