I’m again putting my head above the parapet to pass on some pearls of wisdom that I have gleaned over the last two years. I was lucky that there was a pandemic and my daughter had to return home, so I had the opportunity to try to reestablish our connection. My hope is that my hard-earned lessons might help other parents of adult children as they navigate over the chasm of gender identification and the medicalization and estrangement that comes along with it.
How I would love for my child, and many other young girls and women caught up in the same way, to remember the feminism their mothers and grandmothers fought for and thought that they had won. https://unherd.com/2022/06/why-did-my-daughter-become-trans/
this list of how we should approach this is priceless. So right on. I came to many of these actions through trial and error. If we all approach things this way, our kids just might have a chance. Thank you for this awesome post,
The internet and social media play an enormous role. I noticed that a huge percentage of trans identified kids are into fandom, which I'm breaking down here:
It begins with 4thwavenow and then "Since then, a number of activist and parent support groups have sprung up, including GenSpect, Partners for Ethical Care, Our Duty, Transgender Trend and Parents With Inconvenient Truths About Trans or PITT." I don't like how it says "trans kids" but the general public is learning...
Thank you for sticking your head up above the parapet again. This is all so hard to do - especially because it goes on for so long. I was also grateful for the pandemic. It was a guilty gratitude but suddenly the whole world was sharing in a hard time. We were all the same... Prior to that it was just us - a distraught family and cheery affirmers. The biggest thing was that our daughter was home a lot and it meant plenty of opportunity to reconnect regarding all sorts of things not related to the mythical concept of "gender".
I think that all of our stories are the same, whether the kids went down the gender rabbit hole during the pandemic because they were isolated and online too much, or because they were at school and isolated mentally in a small "cult" gender group where anyone outside the group was suspect. However their minds are taken away from you - the kids develop all sorts of weird ideas about you and about the world because they are so turned inwards and not watching outwards with clear eyes... When a young person talks to parents all the time they are testing ideas and parents dispel odd thoughts/concepts. That is normal. I can remember testing things out (and saying them with perfect confidence) and having parents and siblings correct me. GI encourages a lot of odd thoughts including that parents who do not affirm are no good and that we are just not with the modern program.
But, kids have always tried out ideas simply because they are young and young people need to always blurt out thoughts and see how they go over with healthy normal people who love them - not the ones who love bomb them. We've always had family dinner but with GI your kid can be right there with you but not there/turned inward. When our daughter started talking to us more I remember finding that she had a lot of weird assumptions - including about parents - but I don't recall what they are now.
I really agree about keeping them busy with real world activities, nature if possible.
One good thing about Zoom School is that more parents are aware that school instruction is off the rails.
Adding this because it helped me (this is esp. relevant for anyone who leans more right-wing than their kids):
- to pre-empt the power of the ideological pull on your kid (esp. if they’re a “incredibly sincere” type), redirect them into class-based “leftism,” (like Glenn Greenwald, Jimmy Dore, Freddie DeBoer). While of course “identity politics” is the vector of influence that can push kids into permanent medical decisions there’s tons of people whose complaint is that it’s not very effective in achieving change.
- There tends to be “fill in the bingo card for the moral opposition your parents gave” (literally, for groomer stuff as part of the process is trivializing parental objections), whereas “well I think they’re mostly correct in pointing out issues and problems, but it’s just not very good at actually remedying them 🤷♀️.”
- If your kid is pre/mid teenage aged (and you don’t mind mild language) they also have more “rowdy” silly fun stuff to listen to in the car (if you’re limiting internet), where it’s young left and fun but not IDPol focused (like “chapo trap house,” regardless of politics this Eric Trump thing was hilarious because poor guy does look like a pale vampire haha and so your can “still rebel” but it’s not personally harmful https://youtu.be/UDjh7pCq0dc ).
WOW! Truer words were never spoken. I am saving your post and going to utilize these tips 100%. Please keep sharing your story. Even if it saves only one child. Let the sun shine into these kid’s hearts and souls. Give them the time and patience it takes to allow your kid to get used to the body God gave them. Amen!
Excellent article, thanks. Can you please give an example of how you gently talk about reality, especially sex life. I so want to explain to my daughter that transitioning will (among other things) shrink her dating pool to very few options and will negatively affect her own sensations. However, saying that directly is probably a "sledgehammer".
"lead by example" YES! Model how to take care of your whole self. Model how to use external circumstances as opportunity to learn and grow. Love these practical tips. Be the expert in your own home and lead with confident, loving authority without dismissing your child's very real adolescent challenges. I think it's also important to find IRL friends/family you can vent to if at all possible. Vet carefully, of course, but knowing you have real people with whom you can be vulnerable is so important to the human psyche.
I think you want to create healthy warm and supportive environment so your daughter is led by example.Makes sense to me
How I would love for my child, and many other young girls and women caught up in the same way, to remember the feminism their mothers and grandmothers fought for and thought that they had won. https://unherd.com/2022/06/why-did-my-daughter-become-trans/
I don't understand the many references to food. Are they a metaphor?
this list of how we should approach this is priceless. So right on. I came to many of these actions through trial and error. If we all approach things this way, our kids just might have a chance. Thank you for this awesome post,
Beautiful and inspiring use of a pandemic.
The internet and social media play an enormous role. I noticed that a huge percentage of trans identified kids are into fandom, which I'm breaking down here:
https://queenbeesnonbinaries.substack.com/p/digital-girls-digital-boys-part-1?r=mrvvb&s=w&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Wow, NY Post Article:
"Anguished parents of trans kids fight back against ‘gender cult’ trying to silence them"
https://nypost.com/2022/05/11/meet-the-parents-of-trans-kids-fighting-gender-cult/
It begins with 4thwavenow and then "Since then, a number of activist and parent support groups have sprung up, including GenSpect, Partners for Ethical Care, Our Duty, Transgender Trend and Parents With Inconvenient Truths About Trans or PITT." I don't like how it says "trans kids" but the general public is learning...
Great suggestions, in particular leading by example in living a healthy lifestyle.
Beware of Target. I hope this can be stopped:
"'Woke' Target Peddling 'Trans' Clothing to Teens"
https://pjmedia.com/culture/kevindowneyjr/2022/05/11/woke-target-peddling-trans-clothing-to-teens-n1597060
"Target is peddling “binders” and “packers” for teen girls who believe they are boys."
Thank you for sticking your head up above the parapet again. This is all so hard to do - especially because it goes on for so long. I was also grateful for the pandemic. It was a guilty gratitude but suddenly the whole world was sharing in a hard time. We were all the same... Prior to that it was just us - a distraught family and cheery affirmers. The biggest thing was that our daughter was home a lot and it meant plenty of opportunity to reconnect regarding all sorts of things not related to the mythical concept of "gender".
I think that all of our stories are the same, whether the kids went down the gender rabbit hole during the pandemic because they were isolated and online too much, or because they were at school and isolated mentally in a small "cult" gender group where anyone outside the group was suspect. However their minds are taken away from you - the kids develop all sorts of weird ideas about you and about the world because they are so turned inwards and not watching outwards with clear eyes... When a young person talks to parents all the time they are testing ideas and parents dispel odd thoughts/concepts. That is normal. I can remember testing things out (and saying them with perfect confidence) and having parents and siblings correct me. GI encourages a lot of odd thoughts including that parents who do not affirm are no good and that we are just not with the modern program.
But, kids have always tried out ideas simply because they are young and young people need to always blurt out thoughts and see how they go over with healthy normal people who love them - not the ones who love bomb them. We've always had family dinner but with GI your kid can be right there with you but not there/turned inward. When our daughter started talking to us more I remember finding that she had a lot of weird assumptions - including about parents - but I don't recall what they are now.
I really agree about keeping them busy with real world activities, nature if possible.
One good thing about Zoom School is that more parents are aware that school instruction is off the rails.
Adding this because it helped me (this is esp. relevant for anyone who leans more right-wing than their kids):
- to pre-empt the power of the ideological pull on your kid (esp. if they’re a “incredibly sincere” type), redirect them into class-based “leftism,” (like Glenn Greenwald, Jimmy Dore, Freddie DeBoer). While of course “identity politics” is the vector of influence that can push kids into permanent medical decisions there’s tons of people whose complaint is that it’s not very effective in achieving change.
- There tends to be “fill in the bingo card for the moral opposition your parents gave” (literally, for groomer stuff as part of the process is trivializing parental objections), whereas “well I think they’re mostly correct in pointing out issues and problems, but it’s just not very good at actually remedying them 🤷♀️.”
- If your kid is pre/mid teenage aged (and you don’t mind mild language) they also have more “rowdy” silly fun stuff to listen to in the car (if you’re limiting internet), where it’s young left and fun but not IDPol focused (like “chapo trap house,” regardless of politics this Eric Trump thing was hilarious because poor guy does look like a pale vampire haha and so your can “still rebel” but it’s not personally harmful https://youtu.be/UDjh7pCq0dc ).
WOW! Truer words were never spoken. I am saving your post and going to utilize these tips 100%. Please keep sharing your story. Even if it saves only one child. Let the sun shine into these kid’s hearts and souls. Give them the time and patience it takes to allow your kid to get used to the body God gave them. Amen!
Great advice. Really, most of it is great advice for parents of all children and everyone, in general.
Very good thoughts. I did not see anything about devices. What do you do about devices, internet access, etc?
Excellent article, thanks. Can you please give an example of how you gently talk about reality, especially sex life. I so want to explain to my daughter that transitioning will (among other things) shrink her dating pool to very few options and will negatively affect her own sensations. However, saying that directly is probably a "sledgehammer".
"lead by example" YES! Model how to take care of your whole self. Model how to use external circumstances as opportunity to learn and grow. Love these practical tips. Be the expert in your own home and lead with confident, loving authority without dismissing your child's very real adolescent challenges. I think it's also important to find IRL friends/family you can vent to if at all possible. Vet carefully, of course, but knowing you have real people with whom you can be vulnerable is so important to the human psyche.