I finally took a breath…but only a small one. It’s been two very long years since my son began identifying as “trans”—two years of me living in fear that my child would choose to medically harm himself in the name of an identity. But finally, after two years of me loving him unconditionally, but never “affirming” him, my son has told me that he no longer feels that way, that he is male and straight, not a transgender lesbian, as he had believed himself to be. For all the worry and angst this has caused me, the stress, the unceasing anxiety, I would have thought that the day of his revised announcement would be the best day of my life. But, now that I am here, it doesn’t feel as good as I imagined—because I fear it’s not over. As long as the delusion of trans grips our society, I will have to worry that my son will be unable to truly break free from the claws of the trans religion.
Teenagers need to find something else to do in their spare time apart from stare at small screens morning, noon and night - it is so seductive! And what am I doing right now staring at a screen - and I am a mum and also a transwidow!? During a pandemic this is doubly difficult for teenagers. There is always academic work which is a very important validation! Fortunately the spring is coming with hopes for new sports or hobbies or activities of any kind but NOT "identity-chasing" on the internet. I am delighted that he is weening himself off that. Good!
My heart breaks for all of you here. What continues to sadden me is the lack of encouraging affirmation for who God created your children to be. I understand this is not a "religious" blog, but there can be no whole healing without addressing the spiritual component. The Father has a plan and purpose for each of us as male or female and not based on stereotypes. Perhaps if they were encouraged to discover and appreciate their individual uniqueness, gifts, and personalities within the broad positive boundaries that God has provided, then maybe their attempts at self-discovery wouldn't be as scary for them or for you. I'm not accusing, blaming, condemning or trying to offend anyone. We are all equally valuable in His sight. God bless you all.
This is great and very good for your family. Above is my blog. I am a trans widow, who kept my sons out of the cult. I suggest that some alliances form between us, as the uncovering of non-science continues. Perhaps talk to him about having a centered mind. Also, work to strengthen all the family ties that have been strained by the trans. It strains everyone, and even other tangential relationships. Build threads to his uncles, grandfathers and other male relatives who have been nurturing men. So glad to read this. Ute Heggen
Wonderful piece. I love the line, "loving him unconditionally without affirming..." That's the challenge. When we had a more unified cultural voice, it was enough to say as a parent, "because I said so." That doesn't fly anymore. Diversity, not unity, has been the dominant theme in recent decades. Yet, our kids have been seeking a way to identify with a group that provides the kind of unity of purpose that LGBTQ allies seem to provide (at least, superficially). For our family, Christianity has been the way to truly unify us. Our collective faith journey is far more than an intellectual or lifestyle choice. We individually investigated the claims of Jesus Christ, found them to be credible, and surrendered our hearts to Him. Christ transformed our personal lives and, ultimately, our family life.
It was great to read that your son desisted and talked to you openly about it. My son is 17 and only 6 months into the gender questioning club, and I read any desisting story with joy and a bit of hope. I feel for your son--coming out as "cis" in school would likely create all kind of issues for him, as he has invested so much into creating and fighting for his transgender identity. I hope he has a fresh start in school, with the name you so lovingly chose for him. I also hope that you will find ways to talk to your son (when he is ready) about honesty and personal integrity, and the impact he will be making on the other LGBTQ plus teens by pretending to be queer to just fit in. This is not a solid foundation to build relationships.
I'm not a therapist, just an ally. So take my comments with a shaker of salt. Along those lines, if you don’t already have a gender-critical therapist for yourself, finding one with whom you can confer may give you some insight regarding your fears and the best ways to support your son...although you already seem to be doing an amazing job.
You didn't mention whether college is local or if he'll be living away from home. Obviously, having him close is better, but I assume you'll maintain communication either way. The fact that you and he have such good communication is a reason for hope. His trust in you is gold.
Your fears seem reasonable to me. Your son is coming into his own, but he's years away from adulthood. He's vulnerable because he's emotionally needy and wants what all young people want: acceptance, friendship and love. Kids who've been seduced by transism are particularly vulnerable, since they receive their so-called identity from an ideology that seems ubiquitous and virtuous. They lean heavily on group validation to maintain their confidence in the belief that they're "really trans." There is also serious pressure from within the trans community to keep people from detransitioning; standard tropes are used for this purpose, such as "if you think you're trans, you're trans," and "any doubt you're experiencing is internalized transphobia." As a last resort, ostracism and character assassination follow. This can be hard for an insecure young person to withstand.
Will he be subject to influence from the queer community at college? Most likely yes. On campus, transpeople are treated like celebrities. Your attempt to remind him that there is no one right way to be a man, and that he can be a feminine man like David Bowie and still be heterosexual, is worth repeating. But as you allude to, it's a hard sell because that archetype is very dated. If he doesn't see living examples of the feminine straight man who does not identify as queer, it may be challenging for him to express himself that way...at least until he develops a stable sense of self, which is still years in the future.
So I'm supporting your observations and fears, but with some encouraging words: All the ambivalence and mutability your son may demonstrate is normal for a kid his age anyway. All the things he desires -- popularity, romance, friends -- are normal. And he's already told you that he knows who he is...don't underestimate that! He'll go through ups and downs, but in the long run it will be impossible for him to live a lie. He may just need time to grow up in order to integrate it.
I don't know if this is a good idea or not (this is where an expert would help), but if you haven't done so, you could candidly share with him some of your fears for his future, without catastrophizing, and let him know, without pressure, how precious the name you gave him is! He may not be ready to reclaim it yet, but he will…at least, I hope and I believe he will.
Keep the faith. Send only the messages to the universe that will affirm the truth. Please. No matter what the future holds, live high above this fear. Watch over it if you need to - but be above, above it -looking downward /below - give it no power, the fear. It wants power. It thrives on pushing you down, enslaving you. Free yourself of the fear. Because you can.
Thank you. I understand what you are saying and your comparison to addiction is very apt.
For your son the best thing may be a fresh beginning where he doesn't have to come out again, now as straight, but be himself from the start. I hope that can happen.
Your comment "reinvent himself in a new, fresh, role. He wants to find a style that’s all his own," points to another part of the problem youth are having in these last decades. The problem is that they feel a LOT of pressure to be unique. I'm going to have a hard time explaining this concept, but somehow there's a story out there that everyone has be be super special and super different and invent their own self and be something remarkable. Its not good enough to have a nice job as a plumber and fix cars on the weekend and enjoy hanging with family. Its not good enough to just be a kind human. You have to be much, much more.
It's so hard to live up to when wanting to be a regular, sweet family guy is somehow a failure. Its become the sad, living-in-the-basement epilogue at the end of "you can be anything you want to be" story. What if what you want to be is not fabulous or glittery or provocative?
I think this interlude is part of your son's true self, an exploration. He tried it out, he outgrew it. IF there wasn't the horrible push to medicalize and judge people who question pathways and attack parents, if it was just trying on a (girl) stereotype, it would be a kid thing to do. The mistake is thinking this means he needed to medicalize and have surgery. He didn't do that. But thinking you will feel a certain way the rest of your life? That's what young people feel. Maybe he can realize this and not look down on himself, just realize that with what he knows now, he only had part of the picture. He tried it, it didn't fit him long term. And now he has his life to build.
I am glad he saw through the lies that drugs and surgery are what you need to be accepted by yourself and by others. Anyone who only likes him because of that....?
I hope he finds friends who like him, rather than him toying with taking drugs, soon! Ie, real friends!
I think young people are sometimes scared they aren't up to the task of growing up. It's a scary time to take up the role of an adult. The help they are finding sometimes isn't help.
Maybe he can call himself/consider himself pan sexual instead of plain old hetero? That way he can still be part of the cool queer club. Of course, he's just a plain old hetero like 90% of us, but he's not obligating himself to actually date any trans people.
This whole things is unbelievably annoying!!! Great job saving your son from the cult- I wish you continued strength and luck helping him to a good path. Sending much love your way!
Teenagers need to find something else to do in their spare time apart from stare at small screens morning, noon and night - it is so seductive! And what am I doing right now staring at a screen - and I am a mum and also a transwidow!? During a pandemic this is doubly difficult for teenagers. There is always academic work which is a very important validation! Fortunately the spring is coming with hopes for new sports or hobbies or activities of any kind but NOT "identity-chasing" on the internet. I am delighted that he is weening himself off that. Good!
It is fine for a guy to not be masculine, but being so is not "toxic."
I'm very happy for your family. It may be a small sigh of relief, but it is a sigh of relief, nonetheless. 🙏🏻
My heart breaks for all of you here. What continues to sadden me is the lack of encouraging affirmation for who God created your children to be. I understand this is not a "religious" blog, but there can be no whole healing without addressing the spiritual component. The Father has a plan and purpose for each of us as male or female and not based on stereotypes. Perhaps if they were encouraged to discover and appreciate their individual uniqueness, gifts, and personalities within the broad positive boundaries that God has provided, then maybe their attempts at self-discovery wouldn't be as scary for them or for you. I'm not accusing, blaming, condemning or trying to offend anyone. We are all equally valuable in His sight. God bless you all.
I’m right there with you!
Courage et patience vigilance … L’amour d’une mère d’un père triomphera …
https://uteheggengrasswidow.wordpress.com/2022/01/07/there-is-no-third-sex/
This is great and very good for your family. Above is my blog. I am a trans widow, who kept my sons out of the cult. I suggest that some alliances form between us, as the uncovering of non-science continues. Perhaps talk to him about having a centered mind. Also, work to strengthen all the family ties that have been strained by the trans. It strains everyone, and even other tangential relationships. Build threads to his uncles, grandfathers and other male relatives who have been nurturing men. So glad to read this. Ute Heggen
Wonderful piece. I love the line, "loving him unconditionally without affirming..." That's the challenge. When we had a more unified cultural voice, it was enough to say as a parent, "because I said so." That doesn't fly anymore. Diversity, not unity, has been the dominant theme in recent decades. Yet, our kids have been seeking a way to identify with a group that provides the kind of unity of purpose that LGBTQ allies seem to provide (at least, superficially). For our family, Christianity has been the way to truly unify us. Our collective faith journey is far more than an intellectual or lifestyle choice. We individually investigated the claims of Jesus Christ, found them to be credible, and surrendered our hearts to Him. Christ transformed our personal lives and, ultimately, our family life.
Totally relate to this. The stupid rainbows and glitter will always be there calling…
It was great to read that your son desisted and talked to you openly about it. My son is 17 and only 6 months into the gender questioning club, and I read any desisting story with joy and a bit of hope. I feel for your son--coming out as "cis" in school would likely create all kind of issues for him, as he has invested so much into creating and fighting for his transgender identity. I hope he has a fresh start in school, with the name you so lovingly chose for him. I also hope that you will find ways to talk to your son (when he is ready) about honesty and personal integrity, and the impact he will be making on the other LGBTQ plus teens by pretending to be queer to just fit in. This is not a solid foundation to build relationships.
I'm not a therapist, just an ally. So take my comments with a shaker of salt. Along those lines, if you don’t already have a gender-critical therapist for yourself, finding one with whom you can confer may give you some insight regarding your fears and the best ways to support your son...although you already seem to be doing an amazing job.
You didn't mention whether college is local or if he'll be living away from home. Obviously, having him close is better, but I assume you'll maintain communication either way. The fact that you and he have such good communication is a reason for hope. His trust in you is gold.
Your fears seem reasonable to me. Your son is coming into his own, but he's years away from adulthood. He's vulnerable because he's emotionally needy and wants what all young people want: acceptance, friendship and love. Kids who've been seduced by transism are particularly vulnerable, since they receive their so-called identity from an ideology that seems ubiquitous and virtuous. They lean heavily on group validation to maintain their confidence in the belief that they're "really trans." There is also serious pressure from within the trans community to keep people from detransitioning; standard tropes are used for this purpose, such as "if you think you're trans, you're trans," and "any doubt you're experiencing is internalized transphobia." As a last resort, ostracism and character assassination follow. This can be hard for an insecure young person to withstand.
Will he be subject to influence from the queer community at college? Most likely yes. On campus, transpeople are treated like celebrities. Your attempt to remind him that there is no one right way to be a man, and that he can be a feminine man like David Bowie and still be heterosexual, is worth repeating. But as you allude to, it's a hard sell because that archetype is very dated. If he doesn't see living examples of the feminine straight man who does not identify as queer, it may be challenging for him to express himself that way...at least until he develops a stable sense of self, which is still years in the future.
So I'm supporting your observations and fears, but with some encouraging words: All the ambivalence and mutability your son may demonstrate is normal for a kid his age anyway. All the things he desires -- popularity, romance, friends -- are normal. And he's already told you that he knows who he is...don't underestimate that! He'll go through ups and downs, but in the long run it will be impossible for him to live a lie. He may just need time to grow up in order to integrate it.
I don't know if this is a good idea or not (this is where an expert would help), but if you haven't done so, you could candidly share with him some of your fears for his future, without catastrophizing, and let him know, without pressure, how precious the name you gave him is! He may not be ready to reclaim it yet, but he will…at least, I hope and I believe he will.
Keep the faith. Send only the messages to the universe that will affirm the truth. Please. No matter what the future holds, live high above this fear. Watch over it if you need to - but be above, above it -looking downward /below - give it no power, the fear. It wants power. It thrives on pushing you down, enslaving you. Free yourself of the fear. Because you can.
Thank you. I understand what you are saying and your comparison to addiction is very apt.
For your son the best thing may be a fresh beginning where he doesn't have to come out again, now as straight, but be himself from the start. I hope that can happen.
Your comment "reinvent himself in a new, fresh, role. He wants to find a style that’s all his own," points to another part of the problem youth are having in these last decades. The problem is that they feel a LOT of pressure to be unique. I'm going to have a hard time explaining this concept, but somehow there's a story out there that everyone has be be super special and super different and invent their own self and be something remarkable. Its not good enough to have a nice job as a plumber and fix cars on the weekend and enjoy hanging with family. Its not good enough to just be a kind human. You have to be much, much more.
It's so hard to live up to when wanting to be a regular, sweet family guy is somehow a failure. Its become the sad, living-in-the-basement epilogue at the end of "you can be anything you want to be" story. What if what you want to be is not fabulous or glittery or provocative?
Are you still enough?
I think this interlude is part of your son's true self, an exploration. He tried it out, he outgrew it. IF there wasn't the horrible push to medicalize and judge people who question pathways and attack parents, if it was just trying on a (girl) stereotype, it would be a kid thing to do. The mistake is thinking this means he needed to medicalize and have surgery. He didn't do that. But thinking you will feel a certain way the rest of your life? That's what young people feel. Maybe he can realize this and not look down on himself, just realize that with what he knows now, he only had part of the picture. He tried it, it didn't fit him long term. And now he has his life to build.
I am glad he saw through the lies that drugs and surgery are what you need to be accepted by yourself and by others. Anyone who only likes him because of that....?
I hope he finds friends who like him, rather than him toying with taking drugs, soon! Ie, real friends!
I think young people are sometimes scared they aren't up to the task of growing up. It's a scary time to take up the role of an adult. The help they are finding sometimes isn't help.
Maybe he can call himself/consider himself pan sexual instead of plain old hetero? That way he can still be part of the cool queer club. Of course, he's just a plain old hetero like 90% of us, but he's not obligating himself to actually date any trans people.
This whole things is unbelievably annoying!!! Great job saving your son from the cult- I wish you continued strength and luck helping him to a good path. Sending much love your way!